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Answers to Many inFrequently Asked Questions.

Pete, if I keep feeding homework to my dog, will that make him smarter, or me dumber?  And how will it affect my shiny coat?
                                                          Mark T

Let me just ask, is your name Mark, or is that all you could think of because it rhymes with bark.  You almost had me there, doggy!!!  BAD DOG.  Most dogs that write me (they're always asking where to hide their bones), usually slip up by typing in WOOF WOOF.  But not you.  SIT.  STAY.  Which means you've obviously eaten homework, plenty of homework, and you know exactly how smart it makes you.  Whatever you've done to your master, we're going to find you, and we're going to punish you.  BAD DOG.  Opposable thumbs rule!!!

Dear Pete:  How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

                                                          Lynda Frohman

Jeez, what a question.  To answer, here's what I did:  I got a pin, a crumb of angel food cake, and a tiny disco ball.  I put the crumb on the head of the pin, turned on the disco light, then waited.  And waited.  Nothing seemed to be happening.  I moved closer.  Still nothing, so I moved even closer.  Then I saw something, but it was still too small, so I got even closer, and that's when I saw it, flashes, bright flashes everywhere.  Were they angels?  Hell no, I had just poked myself in the eye with the pin.  So now when someone asks how many angel can dance on the head of a pin, I say damn you for asking.  It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Yes, Pete, I would like permission to get plastic surgery so I can look just like you.  That way people wouldn't know if I were the real Pete or the "StevePete" imposter.
                                                          S.  Kennealy

Whoa!  First of all, let's get the terminology right (or wrong).  While I may go by Pete here for convenience, I am in fact PeteTV.  Therefore, you, Steve, after reasonably successful surgery, would be StevePeteTV (and if the surgery is botched you'll be StevePeteRadio).  As for permission, of course you can.  Now here's what you'll need: one television set (circa 1953), two hubcaps, a vestal virgin, three bullets (fired), mutton chops, one goldfish, a tiger skin, one copy of Evil Dead II (make sure it's rewound), a pair of falsies, two free-range chickens, and one hell of a lot of moxie.  Then go to your plastic surgeon (hard plastic only) during the night of a full moon and, at the stroke of midnight, call me.  I'll talk you both through it.  And afterwards, if someone happens to confuse you for me, just tell them you didn't do it.

Hello there, Pete.  What's the minimum number of people for a circle jerk?    
                                                            Larry Steelgrip

A very interesting question, and one which I've given considerable thought (and not a small amount of research) to.  The operative word here is circle (thank God I took math).  Now, with one person, all we got is a dot.  Now with two people, we can create a line (but no circle).  Finally, with three people, we just might be able to create a very crude (in both senses) circle.  So, Larry, the answer to your question, what's the minimum number of people required for a circle jerk? is three jerks. 

Hi Pete, why do I need a special pass to park in a handicap parking space but I don't need one to use a handicap toilet at the mall??  Is parking more important to the handicapped than bodily functions?
                                                        Sincerely, Curious Garth

Excellent question, Garth, and a most infrequent one at that.  I think the answer to your question applies not only to the handicapped, or the physically challenged, or, if you prefer, the parking advantaged, but to all Americans as well.  Cheap gas and plentiful parking is as American as apple pie (notice I did not say as American as cow pie).  If either one were to be taken away from us by some outside force, you can bet there'd be war.  While many Americans are well aware that the Gulf War was about access to cheap gas, how many know that World War II was fought over parking (the Germans wanted to park their Mercedes in London).  Do you really think we'd fight a war over bathroom stalls?  I think I can speak for most Americans when I say that, when it comes to bathroom facilities, most of us could give a crap.

Hey Pete, how can I send you a million dollars?

Well, first of all, I'd like to thank you for the wonderful sentiment.  But to be perfectly honest with you, my organization is not equipped at this time to receive one million dollars.  So sorry, buddy, but you're out of luck.

Everybody keeps going on and on about world peace, but what about world Pete?

Excellent question.  You see, while world Peace is a noble ideal, world Pete is even better.  With world Pete, everything and everyone would be funny all the time.  Funerals would be an occasion for laughter.  Presidents would get elected for their pratfalls, and the only bombs dropped would be bad jokes at nightclubs.  Also, those without a sense of humor would be forced to get an immediate funny bone transplant.  You see,  I have a dream, a rather silly dream, that one day...

Exactly how many people you got working there?  One Pete, two Petes, three Petes, or more?

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.  Can you repete the question?

Tell me.  If I only desire men who have had their thumbs ripped off in an industrial accident and then had their thumb replaced with their big toe, does that mean I have a foot fetish or a hand fetish?

You know, I'm not exactly sure.  I guess I'm having a little trouble fully grasping the question.

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