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THE MANSON FAMILY FEUD

It's the typical Family Feud stage with contestants are lined up on each side.  The big difference is there are only two members to a team.  On one side are two members of the Manson family, Charles Manson and Squeaky Fromme.  On the other side is an all American couple, Todd and Mary Jones, who are giddy with excitement.

Music starts and the host comes bounding out on the stage.  He trots to the middle.

HOST

Hello and welcome to the Manson family feud.  Our challengers today, Todd and Mary Jones, hail from Austin, Texas.  (PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE).  And now, straight from San Quentin, we have Squeaky Fromme, and the one, the only, Charles Manson.  All righty folks, are you ready to play the Feud?

The leader of each side, Charles and Todd, jog out to the middle.

HOST

Now let me remind you of our rules.  I ask a question, and the first person to ring in will give me what they think is the most popular answer to that question.  Now remember, each of our questions was surveyed before a group of one hundred psychopaths.  You have to give me the answer that best matches their response.  Are you ready?

Both nod, and then get into the classic pose, one hand behind, one in front, and await the question.

 HOST

Tell me an item that you might find... in your basement?

Todd Jones smacks the buzzer.

TODD

Letís see.  How about...strawberry preserves.

Charles is just getting his hand to the buzzer.

HOST

Strawberry preserves it is.  And the survey says?

The NO buzzer sounds.

TODD

Darn it.

HOST

Come on, Todd.  Do you really think psychopaths are strawberry preserve type people?  Your guess, Charles?

 CHARLES

Something youíd find in a basement?  I know...how about an upside down crucifix.

HOST

Good answer.  Charles says an upside down crucifix.  And the survey says?  (The DING of success).  Way to go, Charles, you got the number one answer.

The host walks Charles over to his side and he joins Squeaky.

HOST

Hello, Squeaky.  Now.  Whatís something you might find in your basement?

SQUEAKY

Ahh.  You know, Iím going to have to guess...power saw.

HOST

Whoa, Squeaky.  That sure sounds normal.  You havenít gone back on your medication again, have you?

SQUEAKY

Whatís wrong with a power saw?  You know, so you can saw through the really big bones.

HOST

Oh, now I get it.  She said power saw. And the survey says?

She gets the NO buzzer and Charles looks like he wants to kill her.

HOST

Letís see if the Jones family can make a steal.  Now remember...think crazy.  Think nutty.  Your answer, Mary?

MARY

(STRUGGLING) Letís see.  Something in a crazy guys basement?  I donít know.  How about the attic.

HOST

Whoa.  Thatís plenty nutty.  But is that the nutty were looking for?  The survey says?

The BUZZ of defeat.

MARY

Shoot.

HOST

The points go to the Manson family.  Now itís time for round number two.

Mary and Squeaky jog to the middle and assume the classic stance.

HOST

All right.  We surveyed one hundred sociopaths...Give us one good reason to kill your mother.

Mary Jones is first to the buzzer.

MARY

Um, letís see.  A reason to kill your mother.  How about...she spanked you too hard.

HOST

Wow...Thatís a tough one.  She spanked you too hard.  And the survey says.

The big NO buzzer.

HOST

Over to the Manson family.  Your answer, Squeaky.

SQUEAKY

Thatís easy.  How about...she left you in the dumpster to die.

HOST

Good answer, Squeaky.  And the survey says (The Ding of success).  You got the third best answer.  Way to go Squeaky.  And we take it over to the Manson family.

The Host approaches Charles.

HOST

Okay Charles.  Now this question ought to be a piece of cake for you.  Give me one good reason to kill your mother?

CHARLES

I know.  What if she made you wear diapers to the high school prom.

HOST

Boy, Chuck, sounds like youíre speaking from personal experience (Big fake laugh).  He said made to wear diapers to the high school prom, and the survey says?

Charles gets the NO buzzer and looks crazed.

HOST

With two answers left on the board, we take it over to the Jones family. Now, for the steal, and to put you ahead of the Manson family, give me one good reason to kill your mother.

Todd and Mary huddle.

TODD

I think weíve got it.  How about...because the bitch deserved it.

HOST

Sounds good to me...give me because the bitch deserved it.

The Ding of success.

HOST

Well all righty.  You get the steal and that puts you into first place.  Which sends us to the third round, where all the points have double value.  Are you ready?

Again Charles and Todd dash out to the center.

HOST

The question is...If you had to choose, how would you like to be executed?

Todd is first to the buzzer.

TODD

Ah, let me think.  Iíd take...lethal injection.

HOST

Good answer, Todd.  Letís see lethal injection.

Todd gets the Bing of success.

HOST

You got the second best answer.  Letís see if Charles can top it.  What do you say, Charles?

CHARLES

Hmmm.  How would I like to be executed? I know.  Very slowly.

HOST

Boy.  You psychotic mass murderers sure are kooky.  Well, it takes one to kill one.  Letís see very slowly.

Buzz of defeat.  Charles looks crazed.

HOST

Go back to your side, Chuck.

Charles just stands there, fuming.

HOST

Go back to your side, Charlie.

Several mental health workers come rushing out and manhandle Charles back to his side.

The host goes over to the Jones family.

HOST

All right, Mary.  Two answers left.  How would you like to be executed?

MARY

Well, Iíve always had a thing with water.  And I canít swim.  So Iíve got to say...by lethal drowning.

HOST

Lethal drowning huh?  I'm not so sure.  Letís see if itís up there.

The NO buzzer.

The host goes to the Manson side, and Charles is now secure in a straight jacket.

HOST

All right, a chance for the Manson Family to steal.  Tell me...how would you like to be executed?

Charles and Squeaky confer for a moment.

CHARLES

How would I choose to be executed?  I know.  I wouldnít, because Iím innocent, I didnít do it.

HOST

Good answer.  Show me innocent, I didnít do it.

That is the number one answer.

HOST

The Manson family gets the steal and takes first place.  Now we have to go to a commercial break.  But remember all you viewers at home.  If you think you come from a dysfunctional family, bring Ďem on the Manson Family Feud and weíll find out just how screwed up you really are.

 

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