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THE MANSON FAMILY FEUDIt's the typical Family Feud stage with contestants are lined up on each side. The big difference is there are only two members to a team. On one side are two members of the Manson family, Charles Manson and Squeaky Fromme. On the other side is an all American couple, Todd and Mary Jones, who are giddy with excitement. HOST Hello and welcome to the Manson
family feud. Our challengers today,
Todd and Mary Jones, hail from Austin, Texas.
(PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE). And
now, straight from San Quentin, we have Squeaky Fromme, and the one, the only,
Charles Manson. All
righty folks, are you ready to play the Feud? The leader of each side,
Charles and Todd, jog out to the middle. HOST Now
let me remind you of our
rules. I ask a question, and the
first person to ring in will give me what they think is the most popular answer
to that question. Now remember,
each of our questions was surveyed before a group of one hundred psychopaths.
You have to give me the answer that best matches their response.
Are you ready? Both nod, and then get
into the classic pose, one hand behind, one in front, and await the question. HOST Tell me an item that you might
find... in your basement? Todd Jones smacks the buzzer. TODD Let’s see. How about...strawberry preserves. Charles
is just getting his
hand to the buzzer. HOST Strawberry preserves it is.
And the survey says? The NO buzzer sounds. TODD Darn it. HOST Come on, Todd. Do you really think psychopaths are strawberry preserve type people? Your guess, Charles? CHARLES Something you’d find in a
basement? I
know...how about an upside
down crucifix. HOST Good answer. Charles says an upside down crucifix. And the survey says? (The
DING of success). Way
to go, Charles,
you got the number one answer. The host walks Charles over to
his side and he joins Squeaky. HOST Hello, Squeaky.
Now. What’s something you
might find in your basement? SQUEAKY Ahh.
You know, I’m going to have to guess...power saw. HOST Whoa, Squeaky.
That sure sounds normal. You
haven’t gone back on your medication again, have you? SQUEAKY What’s wrong with a power
saw? You know, so you can saw
through the really big bones. HOST Oh, now I get it.
She said power saw. And the survey says? She gets the NO buzzer and
Charles looks like he wants to kill her. HOST Let’s see if the Jones
family can make a steal. Now
remember...think crazy. Think
nutty. Your answer, Mary? MARY (STRUGGLING) Let’s see.
Something in a crazy guys basement?
I don’t know. How about the attic. HOST Whoa.
That’s plenty nutty. But
is that the nutty were looking for? The
survey says? The BUZZ of defeat. MARY Shoot. HOST The points go to the Manson family.
Now it’s time for round
number two. Mary and Squeaky jog to the
middle and assume the classic stance. HOST All
right. We surveyed one hundred sociopaths...Give us one good reason
to kill your mother. Mary Jones is first to the
buzzer. MARY Um, let’s see.
A reason to kill your mother. How
about...she spanked you too hard. HOST Wow...That’s a tough one.
She spanked you too hard. And
the survey says. The big NO buzzer. HOST Over to the Manson family.
Your answer, Squeaky. SQUEAKY That’s easy. How about...she left you in the dumpster to die. HOST Good answer, Squeaky. And the survey says (The Ding of success). You got the third best answer. Way to go Squeaky. And we take it over to the Manson family. The
Host approaches Charles. HOST Okay Charles. Now this question ought to be a piece of cake for you.
Give me one good reason to kill your mother? CHARLES I know. What if she made you wear diapers to the high school prom. HOST Boy, Chuck, sounds like
you’re speaking from personal experience (Big fake laugh).
He said made to wear
diapers to the high school prom, and the survey says? Charles gets the NO buzzer and
looks crazed. HOST With two answers left on the
board, we take it over to the Jones family. Now, for the steal, and to put you
ahead of the Manson family, give me one good reason to kill your mother. Todd and Mary huddle. TODD I think we’ve got it.
How about...because the bitch deserved it. HOST Sounds good to me...give me
because the bitch deserved it. The Ding of success. HOST Well
all righty. You get the steal and that puts you into first place.
Which sends us to the third round, where all the points have double
value. Are you ready? Again Charles and Todd dash
out to the center. HOST The question is...If you had to choose, how would you like to be executed? Todd is first to the buzzer. TODD Ah, let me think.
I’d take...lethal injection. HOST Good answer, Todd.
Let’s see lethal injection. Todd gets the Bing of success. HOST You got the second best
answer. Let’s see if Charles can
top it. What do you say, Charles? CHARLES Hmmm.
How would I like to be executed? I know.
Very slowly. HOST Boy.
You psychotic mass murderers sure are kooky. Well,
it takes one to kill one. Let’s
see very slowly. Buzz of defeat.
Charles looks crazed. HOST Go back to your side, Chuck. Charles just stands there,
fuming. HOST Go back to your side, Charlie. Several mental health workers
come rushing out and manhandle Charles back to his side. The host goes over to the
Jones family. HOST All
right, Mary.
Two answers left. How would you like to be executed? MARY Well, I’ve always had a
thing with water. And I can’t
swim. So I’ve got to say...by
lethal drowning. HOST Lethal drowning huh?
I'm not so sure. Let’s see if it’s up there. The NO buzzer. The host goes to the Manson side, and Charles is now secure in a straight jacket. HOST All
right, a chance for the Manson Family to steal. Tell me...how
would you like to be executed? Charles and Squeaky confer for
a moment. CHARLES How would I choose to be
executed? I know.
I wouldn’t, because I’m innocent, I didn’t do it. HOST Good answer. Show me innocent, I didn’t do it. That is the number one answer. HOST The Manson family gets the
steal and takes first place. Now we have to go to a commercial break.
But
remember all you viewers at home.
If you think you come from a dysfunctional family, bring ‘em on the Manson
Family Feud and we’ll find out just how screwed up you really are. |
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