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ACT ONE CONT'DTHE THREE LOOK AT EACH OTHER. GEORGE
(CONT’D) You
think it’s Ruth? Hold it a sec, Jerry. GEORGE
GOES AND GRABS THE PLASTIC CRUCIFIX THEN CAUTIOUSLY APPROACHES THE DOOR. ELAINE That’ll
be perfect if it’s Count Chocula. JERRY
CHECKS THE PEEPHOLE. JERRY Oh
my god. She’s beautiful. JERRY
OPENS THE DOOR AND HAZEL, YOUNG, PRETTY, AND FLAT-CHESTED, STEPS IN. GEORGE Hey!
You’re the palm reader. HAZEL Hi.
I'm Hazel. Was my Aunt Ruth
just here? JERRY Aunt
Ruth. Is she real old? Has
a wart the size of a Cheerio? HAZEL That’s
her. Damn! Whenever
she gets out of the cellar, there’s trouble. ELAINE What
kind of trouble? HAZEL You
don’t want to know. JERRY Does
your Aunt Ruth seem a little like a… HAZEL Like
a witch. JERRY Now
that you mention it, yes. HAZEL That’s
because she is a witch. ELAINE And
are you a witch? HAZEL Nah.
I don’t have the dedication. GEORGE It
takes dedication to be a witch? HAZEL Are
you kidding? Four years as an apprentice, another four in a coven, and
then three years of residency. And
witching now is so specialized. JERRY And
I bet malpractice costs a fortune. HAZEL
GRABS JERRY’S HAND AND STARES AT IT, MESMERIZED. HAZEL My
God. Your love line.
A man with such a line would have to be extraordinary.
(BEAT) But I must go. I must
find my Aunt Ruth. HAZEL
STARTS TO LEAVE. AT THE DOOR, SHE
WHIPS BACK AROUND TO FACE JERRY. HAZEL
(CONT’D) Sure,
Jerry. I’ll go out with you. JERRY I’m
sorry, did I say something? HAZEL You
don't have to. I can sense things.
My shop closes at 8:00. Meet me there. JERRY Okay,
I guess. HAZEL
EXITS. JERRY CLOSES THE DOOR. ELAINE Were
you really thinking of asking her out, Jerry? JERRY I
don’t know. In a way, I guess I’m always thinking that. GEORGE You
are so lucky, Jerry. JERRY I
don't know. A palm reader. GEORGE I’d
give my right hand to go out with a palm reader. INT.
MONK’S DINER – DAY JERRY,
GEORGE, AND ELAINE JOIN KRAMER ALREADY SITTING AT THE TABLE. KRAMER So.
What’d she say? JERRY You’re
in big trouble, Kramer. She’s a
witch. GEORGE And
Jerry’s
going out with her niece. The palm reader. KRAMER That’s
good, Jerry. Real good. You’re my inside
man. She say anything else? ELAINE Nah.
Just something about destroying you. THE
WAITRESS COMES UP. WAITRESS Can
I take your order? KRAMER Allow
me. (KRAMER READS THEIR MINDS ONE
BY ONE) The lady would like a…a club salad.
The bald one wants tuna on toast. And
Jerry’ll have…vegetable soup. ALL
EYES ARE NOW ON KRAMER, WHO LOOKS TOTALLY LOST. WAITRESS And
for you? KRAMER (FRANTIC)
Oh my God! I have no idea what
I’m thinking. Does anybody know
what I’m thinking? JERRY He’ll
just have a coffee. THE
WAITRESS LEAVES. KRAMER LOOKS
SHAKEN. ELAINE What
happened to you, Kramer? KRAMER All
of the sudden, all I could think was twenty-four million, twenty-four million. GEORGE That
would be me. KRAMER Well
keep it down, will you? GEORGE But
Lotto’s at twenty-four million. You
gotta get me those numbers, Kramer. KRAMER Not
now, George. I gotta conserve my energy. ELAINE I
wouldn’t mind winning lotto. GEORGE No
you don’t, Elaine. It was my
idea. ELAINE Right.
That’s like taking credit for breathing.
JERRY I
say if anyone wins we should split it four ways. GEORGE No
way, Jerry. You’re not suckering me in.
Split it four ways. A lousy
six million. That’s chump change. KRAMER Well
don’t worry. Nobody’s getting
any numbers. ELAINE So
what’s this mind reading like, Kramer? KRAMER Well…just
imagine I’m David Hasselhoff, and your brains are swimming on my beach. LATER,
THE FOOD COMES. GEORGE STARTS TO
BRING THE TUNA TO HIS MOUTH. KRAMER George
no! KRAMER BATS THE SANDWICH AWAY AND IT FLOPS ONTO THE TABLE. KRAMER FLIPS BACK THE BREAD AND DIGS AROUND INSIDE THE TUNA. HE FINDS A STRIP OF PAPER LIKE THOSE FOUND IN FORTUNE COOKIES. JERRY Great,
a fortune tuna. KRAMER
FLATTENS THE STRIP OF PAPER OUT ON THE TABLE. ELAINE What’s
it say? KRAMER It
says…Surrender Kramer. JERRY Oh
my God, Kramer, what are you going to do? KRAMER She
wants a fight, she’s going to get a fight. KRAMER LEAPS OUT OF THE BOOTH, TRIPS, FALLS OVER,
JUMPS BACK UP, AND IS GONE. GEORGE Next
time, I’ll make sure I order the Kramer safe tuna.
CUT
TO: INT.
CASUAL RESTAURANT - NIGHT JERRY
IS OUT ON A DATE WITH HAZEL. THE
TWO ARE BUSY EATING WHEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN, WITHOUT A WORD FROM JERRY, HAZEL
BURSTS OUT LAUGHING. HAZEL That
was really funny, Jerry. JERRY What
was funny? HAZEL The
joke you were just thinking. JERRY You
mean the one about too much fabric softener? HAZEL No,
about the fat lady? JERRY How’d
it go? HAZEL Well,
of course she orders a lot, she’s eating for two zip codes. JERRY
SPIES A TINY LITTLE MAN EATING WITH A HUGE FAT WOMAN AT A NEARBY TABLE. JERRY That
wasn’t me. I bet it was that guy over there. Here. Let me try
one. SAYING
NOTHING, JERRY MIMES TELLING A JOKE. HAZEL
FROWNS. JERRY
(CONT’D) What?
Didn’t you pick it up? HAZEL I
did. I just didn’t think it was
very funny. JERRY It
kills ‘em in the clubs. Boy.
Psychic stand-up is tough. HAZEL Do
you like me, Jerry? JERRY Of
course. HAZEL You’re
lying. JERRY Why
would I lie to you, Hazel? HAZEL Because
you wish I had bigger breasts. JERRY No.
I was thinking I wished these chairs had bigger armrests.
CUT
TO: INT.
JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT JERRY
SITS ON THE COUCH WITH HAZEL. JERRY So
your parents really wanted you to be a witch? HAZEL Why
do you think they gave me my name? JERRY Of
course. Witch Hazel. THEY
KISS FOR A MOMENT. JERRY
(CONT’D) I
really enjoyed tonight. HAZEL No
you didn’t. You didn’t like the food.
You don’t like my body. And
you think dating a palm reader is beneath you. JERRY But
don’t you see? That’s a good
date for me. HAZEL It’s
okay, Jerry. I trust you. THEY
KISS AGAIN. JERRY That
was nice. HAZEL You’d
rate it a six out of ten. JERRY
JUMPS UP, ANGRY. JERRY That’s
it. I can’t take this anymore.
I think you should leave. HAZEL But
don’t you want to sleep with me? JERRY Absolutely
not. HAZEL Let’s
go. JERRY Okay. TOGETHER
THEY HEAD INTO THE BEDROOM. END OF ACT ONE |
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