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ACT
TWO
INT.
JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY JERRY
AND GEORGE. THE BUZZER SOUNDS.
IT’S ELAINE. JERRY LETS HER UP. JERRY She
told me she trusts me GEORGE That’s
no good, Jerry. That’s no way
to start a relationship. ELAINE
ENTERS AND CLUNKS A “LEAVE IT TO BEAVER” LUNCH BOX DOWN ON THE COUNTER. ELAINE Look
what Dr. Johnny Appleseed gave me. Can
you believe it? JERRY He
gave you a “Leave It To Beaver” lunch box? ELAINE Yep. GEORGE I
guess they were all out of give me your beaver lunch boxes. JERRY He
got to third base with that? ELAINE
NODS. JERRY
(CONT’D) So
basically he stole third base. ELAINE He
did say these were worth some money. GEORGE I’ll
give you ten bucks for it. Twenty
if you throw in a quickie. ELAINE Sorry
George. (JUTS OUT HER ARM OVER
GEORGE’S HEAD) You got to be this tall to get on the ride. (BEAT)
If I only knew what I was going to get before I unwrapped. JERRY What
about Kramer? ELAINE Hey!
What about Kramer. KRAMER
ENTERS. HE LOOKS LIKE HELL. KRAMER Come
here. You got to see this. GEORGE What? KRAMER Watch
this apple. THEY
ALL GATHER AROUND THE KITCHEN COUNTER. SLOWLY,
KRAMER MOVES HIS HAND TOWARDS AN APPLE SITTING ON THE COUNTER.
WITHOUT EVEN TOUCHING IT, THE APPLE SLIDES AWAY. GEORGE That’s
great, Kramer. Now make it come
towards you. KRAMER That’s
the thing. I can’t.
I haven’t had a bite to eat in twelve hours. ELAINE Can
I ask a favor, Kramer? KRAMER (TO
GEORGE) Shut up, George.
I can hardly hear myself think. GEORGE I
didn’t say anything. KRAMER Twenty-four
million, twenty-four million. It’s
like standing next to a yapping dog. Can
you go take your brain out for a walk or something? GEORGE All
right. I’m going to Monk’s. GEORGE
LEAVES. KRAMER STARES HARD AT
ELAINE, WHO DOES HER BEST TO TELEGRAPH HER THOUGHTS. ELAINE So…will
you? KRAMER Will
I what? ELAINE I
just thought it. KRAMER Yes,
Jerry. You have to go out with
Hazel tonight. JERRY But
I don’t want to. KRAMER But
you’re my inside man, Jerry. ELAINE What
about me? KRAMER Sorry,
Elaine. I’m picking up nothing
but Jerry. JERRY All
right. I’ll be with George. JERRY
LEAVES, AND KRAMER AGAIN FOCUSES ON ELAINE. ELAINE Well?
Will you? KRAMER If
you want the cheese, Elaine, go ahead and get it. ELAINE Cheese?
Who said anything about cheese? KRAMER It
doesn’t have to be cheese. You’ll
settle for floor scraps. ELAINE What
are you talking about, Kramer? KRAMER (SMACKS
HIS HEAD) You know, I bet this
building has mice. ELAINE You
picked up a mouse’s thoughts before mine? KRAMER Maybe
you got a short in there or something. ELAINE I’m
talking, aren’t I. Talking is
thinking. KRAMER Just
tell me, Elaine. ELAINE Someone
is giving me a gift tonight. I
need to know what it is before I open it. KRAMER So
you’re dating a fur trader. You
got anything he touched? SHE
HANDS KRAMER THE LUNCH BOX. KRAMER
CLUTCHES IT. ELAINE What?
What are you getting? KRAMER He
likes post-it notes. ELAINE Yeah,
so. So do I. KRAMER No,
Elaine. He really likes post-it
notes. The ones that come… ELAINE Drop
it, Kramer. KRAMER I
got it. Water. Make him drink lots of water. ELAINE Why? KRAMER The
man’s got no bladder. You get
him drinking, he’ll be in the bathroom every fifteen minutes.
And when he goes into the bathroom, I’ll come out of the bathroom and
work my magic. A
KNOCK ON THE DOOR. ELAINE AND
KRAMER LOOK AT EACH OTHER. ELAINE George? KRAMER Sounds
like George’s knock. THE
KNOCK SOUNDS AGAIN. ELAINE OPENS
THE DOOR TO THE WITCH. KRAMER You
can imitate knocks? RUTH I
can imitate any knock in the known universe. KRAMER
AND RUTH GLARE AT EACH OTHER. RUTH
(CONT’D) You’re
no match for me. Give it back. KRAMER You
want it…come and get it. THE
TWO STARE EACH OTHER DOWN. KRAMER,
BACKING UP, ALL OF THE SUDDEN SNEEZES. RUTH Ha!
You want another? THE TWO GO
BACK TO STARING. RUTH SUDDENLY
HICCUPS. RUTH
(CONT’D) Why
you demon, hic. KRAMER There’s
more where that came from. AS
KRAMER SNEEZES, THE WITCH HICCUPS. RUTH This
isn’t the end of me. THE
WITCH TURNS AND IS GONE. ELAINE
CLOSES THE DOOR. KRAMER SITS
DOWN, EXHAUSTED. KRAMER War
is hell. ELAINE That’s
it? That’s the big battle to
the finish. KRAMER What?
You think it’s easy? ELAINE What
are you going to do next, give her chapped lips? KRAMER I’ve
got to see Jerry. You coming? ELAINE No.
But you will be there tonight? KRAMER Right
in the bathroom.
CUT
TO: INT.
MONK’S - DAY GEORGE
AND JERRY SIT EATING. KRAMER
JOINS THEM. AS HE SITS DOWN ALL
THE PLATES ON THE TABLE SCOOT AWAY EXCEPT A DISH OF GEORGE’S COLE SLAW. JERRY What
do you know? Looks like cole slaw
isn’t part of the embargo. KRAMER
LOOKS AT IT LONGINGLY. GEORGE Go
ahead. Take it. KRAMER
STARTS SHOVELING THE SLAW DOWN. KRAMER (MOUTH
FULL) You got to go out with
Hazel tonight, Jerry. Find out
how I can lift this curse. (PAUSE)
Uh oh, this slaw is bad. KRAMER
JUMPS UP AND MAKES A BEE-LINE TO THE BATHROOM. JERRY I
don’t want to go out with Hazel. I
don’t want the truth. I can’t
handle the truth. GEORGE Who
could? Honesty is the worst
policy. JERRY I
can’t even tell her half-truths. GEORGE Hey,
Jerry. What if I go out on the
date with you? JERRY That’s
a great idea, George. With your
brain making all that noise, I could probably tell her I love her and she’d
believe me. JERRY
AND GEORGE SHARE A WICKED LAUGH.
CUT
TO: INT.
FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT ELAINE
AND CHUCK ARE ON THEIR DATE. CHUCK I
brought you a gift, Elaine. CHUCK
HANDS OVER A GIFT. IT’S BIGGER
THAN A LUNCH BOX AND IS WRAPPED IN SILVER, MIRRORED WRAPPING PAPER. ELAINE What
is it? CHUCK Why
don’t you open it? ELAINE
LIFTS HER WATER GLASS TO MAKE A TOAST. ELAINE Cheers.
To...Jacques Cousteau. CHUCK
GIVES ELAINE A STRANGE LOOK THEN CLINKS AND DRINKS. CHUCK That
reminds me. I’ve got to go to
the bathroom. CHUCK
GOES TO THE BATHROOM.
CUT
TO: INT.
CASUAL RESTAURANT - NIGHT JERRY
AND GEORGE JOIN HAZEL, WHO IS ALREADY SEATED.
SITTING DOWN, GEORGE HUMS “DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?” HAZEL Why
did you bring him, Jerry? JERRY I
couldn’t help it. He made me. HAZEL
CONSIDERS THIS. HAZEL Yes,
I can see that. He is quite
powerful. GEORGE Me…powerful? HAZEL Tell
me. What is all this about
twenty-four million? GEORGE I’m
glad you asked because… HAZEL Is
this money you have invested? GEORGE As
a matter of fact…yes. You see,
it’s all very simple. I am a
rich and powerful man. JERRY What
can you tell us about your Aunt? HAZEL You
must be careful with Aunt Ruth. She’s
a shape shifter. JERRY A
shape shifter…you mean she wears a girdle? HAZEL Aunt
Ruth can take any shape she wants. She
can become any person she wants. GEORGE Then
why would she choose to be so…ugly. JERRY Who
knows? Maybe she’s a babe in
witching circles.
CUT
TO: INT.
BATHROOM - NIGHT A
MAN STEPS AWAY FROM THE URINAL, ZIPS UP, AND APPROACHES KRAMER, WHO IS
LOITERING BY THE SINKS. THE MAN
HOLDS HIS HANDS OVER THE SINK EXPECTANTLY.
KRAMER LOOKS CONFUSED. KRAMER Oh.
Yes sir. KRAMER
TWISTS ON THE WATER. THE MAN
WASHES HIS HANDS, KRAMER SHUTS OFF THE WATER AND HANDS HIM TOWELS. NEXT, KRAMER PULLS A COMB FROM HIS BACK POCKET AND HANDS IT
TO THE MAN, WHO COMBS HIS HAIR. MAN Mint? KRAMER
SEARCHES HIS POCKETS, FINALLY GIVING THE MAN A STICK OF GUM.
THE MAN SLIPS KRAMER A DOLLAR AND EXITS. CHUCK
ENTERS AND WALKS TOWARD THE STALLS. KRAMER
GIVES HIM A KNOWING LOOK. KRAMER I’d
stay out of that middle stall if I were you.
Boy. If toilets could
speak.
CUT
TO: INT.
FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT KRAMER
HAS HIS HAND ON THE GIFT. ELAINE What
do you see, Kramer? KRAMER I
see a purse. A black leather
purse. ELAINE That’s
it. One lousy purse? KRAMER What’s wrong with a purse? It's not like he’s shopping on the new car lot or anything. ELAINE Come
on. There’s got to be something
else in there. KRAMER Wait!
I’m picking up something yellow.
Bright yellow. ELAINE Gold.
I bet it’s gold. KRAMER Nope.
Post-it notes. Two packs. ELAINE Green.
Do you see any green? KRAMER Did
I mention the post-its? ELAINE Forget
about the post-its, Kramer. KRAMER I’m
trying to, but it’s like they’re sticking to my brain. (BEAT) Hey! I’m getting some green. It’s one bill. And on
the bill I see a one and a... ELAINE How
many zeros? Three? Four? KRAMER Nope.
Just a dollar bill. ELAINE It
can’t be. KRAMER Hey!
Here’s something. ELAINE What? KRAMER That
dollar bill was touched by William Shatner. CHUCK
COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM. ELAINE
SEES HIM. ELAINE He’s
coming. Get out of here, Kramer. KRAMER
RUSHES AWAY AS CHUCK RETURNS TO THE TABLE. CHUCK What
was that person just doing here? ELAINE Who? CHUCK That
guy. Standing by the gift. ELAINE Oh
him. You know, I think he must
have caught his reflection on the mirrored paper.
He just stood here staring at himself.
You know those vain types. CHUCK Yeah,
I’ve just never seen one that looked like that.
CUT
TO: INT.
CASUAL RESTAURANT - NIGHT JERRY,
GEORGE, AND HAZEL ARE EATING. GEORGE When
they shape shift, are they anatomically correct? HAZEL I
must tell you. Tomorrow, Aunt
Ruth is planning to turn into one of you. JERRY (SHOCKED)
What do you mean one of us. Which
one? HAZEL She
didn’t say. Could be any one of
you. GEORGE Your
Aunt Ruth must really be a glutton for punishment.
CUT
TO: INT.
FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT ELAINE I
can’t accept this gift, Chuck. CHUCK Why
not, Elaine? ELAINE It’s
just...you give me such nice things. But
they make me feel so obligated. CHUCK But
it’s a beautiful purse, Elaine. ELAINE I
know, Chuck. But I can’t. CHUCK But
I even put in a dollar for good luck. ELAINE Sorry,
but that ain’t going to get you to the final frontier. CHUCK I
see. Well...I can always take
back the purse. But there was
something else...a five hundred dollar gift certificate to Saks. I guess
I’ll just have to give that to charity.
(BEAT) But I respect your
decision, Elaine. Really, I do. And I guess you’ll also want to pay for dinner.
So you don’t feel so obligated. ELAINE
IS FURIOUS. ELAINE Kramer!
(EYEING THE MENU) Hmmm. You know, wouldn’t you rather eat somewhere else? CHUCK I
know. Let’s go to my place.
We can have dinner in bed. ELAINE Yeah...whatever.
CUT
TO: INT.
JERRY’S APARTMENT - NEXT DAY JERRY
AND ELAINE. ELAINE And
get this...he had the nerve to ask me to pay for dinner. JERRY So
what’d you do? ELAINE I
slept with him. Sure beats buying dinner. THE
BUZZER RINGS AND IT’S GEORGE. JERRY
LETS HIM UP. ELAINE
(CONT’D) And
you know something? Best sex I
ever had. JERRY Proof
that the market system works. ELAINE So
if I want to go out with him again…does that mean I have to buy him a gift? JERRY Afraid
so. ELAINE What
about you and the palm reader? JERRY It
didn’t work out. I mean, how am
I supposed to build a relationship of trust if I can’t tell a lie? ELAINE
SHRUGS. GEORGE ENTERS. JERRY
(CONT’D) How
you doing, George? GEORGE Nope.
Not answering any questions. Remember,
one of us is the witch. ELAINE Come
on. You can trust us. GEORGE Right
now, I don’t even trust myself. For
all I know, I could have been switched on the way here. JERRY Fascinating.
You’ve actually developed a conspiracy theory about yourself. THE
DOOR SNAPS OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS
LOOKING LIKE A ZOMBIE. HE
COLLAPSES ON THE COUCH WITHOUT A WORD. JERRY
(CONT’D) All
right. Now that we’re all here,
who’s the witch? Let’s
face it. Out of any of us,
she’d probably choose me. GEORGE Sorry,
Elaine. I think she’d have to
pick me. JERRY I’d
have to go with Elaine. GEORGE Jerry
didn’t pick himself. Very
suspicious. JERRY That’s
right, George. You’re on to me. GEORGE Actually,
I think it’s…Elaine. ELAINE It’s
not me, you idiot. GEORGE Gotcha.
That’s exactly what a witch would say. JERRY I
don’t know. I don’t think a
witch would sound so…witchy. GEORGE And
wouldn’t a woman be much more likely turn into another woman. JERRY I
think we have our witch. ELAINE Especially
if her only other choice is you two losers. She’s
a witch. GEORGE A
witch. ELAINE That’s
ridiculous. I was just saying… GEORGE You’re
a witch. THE
TWO SURROUND HER, CROWDING HER, CHANTING WITCH, WITCH, WITCH.
ELAINE BACKS UP, SUDDENLY AFRAID. JERRY What
have you done with the real Elaine? A
KNOCK SOUNDS FROM THE DOOR. JERRY
LOOKS CONFUSED. ELAINE Well…are
you going to get it? JERRY Keep
an eye on her, George. ELAINE Right.
I just might make a break for the broom. JERRY
OPENS THE DOOR A CRACK AND IT’S NEWMAN.
NEWMAN TRIES TO PEEK INSIDE THE APARTMENT. JERRY Hello
Newman. NEWMAN Where’s
Kramer? JERRY He’s
not here. NEWMAN He
promised to come play bingo with me. We’re
going to clean up. HEARING
THIS, GEORGE SNATCHES THE DOOR WIDE OPEN. GEORGE Bingo.
He’s not helping you with bingo until he helps me win lotto. NEWMAN What
do you know? So there he is. NEWMAN
ENTERS THE APARTMENT. KRAMER
SUDDENLY JOLTS UPRIGHT. KRAMER Six...Fourteen. GEORGE Hey!
I think those are lotto numbers. NEWMAN Lotto’s
better then bingo. THEY
ALL CROWD AROUND KRAMER. KRAMER Twenty-one. GEORGE No,
Kramer. Not in front of
everybody. I won’t share it. I refuse to share it. GEORGE
STARTS HUMMING A SONG LOUDLY, DROWNING OUT THE NEXT TWO NUMBERS KRAMER READS.
SUDDENLY, GEORGE STOPS HUMMING AND LOOKS AROUND, CONFUSED. GEORGE
(CONT’D) Hey!
What were those numbers? (SHAKING
KRAMER) I didn’t hear those numbers? KRAMER
READS THE LAST NUMBER BUT IT’S TOTALLY DROWNED OUT BY GEORGE’S TIRADE.
FINISHED, KRAMER SLUMPS BACK DOWN. GEORGE
(CONT’D) And
that number. What was that
number? NEWMAN
PLACES HIS HAND ON KRAMER’S SHOULDER FOR A MOMENT. JERRY I
don't know, but what was that song you were humming? GEORGE What
about you? Did you get the
numbers, Newman? NEWMAN Maybe
I did. Maybe I didn’t. NEWMAN
CACKLES AND EXITS THE APARTMENT. GEORGE Come
on, Kramer. Give me those numbers
again. I’ll split the pot with
you. Fifty-fifty.
I have to have those numbers. KRAMER
SITS UP STRAIGHT. SLOWLY, HE
STANDS. KRAMER What
do you know? It’s gone.
It’s totally gone. I can’t hear George thinking anymore. GEORGE What
do you mean, gone? You can’t
just lose it, Kramer. KRAMER Guess
what? That wasn’t Newman. JERRY So
Newman was the witch. ELAINE But
Newman’s not one of us. JERRY No.
He’s more like two of us. ELAINE I
got to hand it to her. Anybody
willing to turn into Newman... JERRY Who
knew they could shift so much shape. GEORGE I
can’t believe it. Newman. JERRY Well,
at least we can finally get back to normal. KRAMER
IS HALFWAY OUT THE DOOR. KRAMER Not
me. I’ll never be the same
again. ELAINE Oh
yeah, why? KRAMER Ruth.
Ruth is out there.
FADE
OUT END
OF ACT TWO INT.
JERRY’S APT - DAY JERRY,
GEORGE, AND ELAINE. GEORGE SITS
DOWN. GEORGE Twenty-four
million. I lost twenty-four million
dollars. ELAINE Yeah.
Well I lost six million. GEORGE No
you don’t, Elaine. It was my
idea, so I get to take the full loss. The
misery is mine. All mine. JERRY Who
knows, George. Maybe one day
you’ll get lucky and lose a hundred million. GEORGE I
can only hope, Jerry. I can only
hope.
FADE
OUT
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